Dark Night Of My Soul

Hi everyone.I hope you all are doing well.I have not posted in forever.I always have so much going on.It's hard at times to really sit down and get stuff done the way I would like.Lately I have been going through ,I don't know,maybe a dark night of the soul or something.I have been questioning my spirituality.I started going to church again and I really enjoyed it for a while then I just began feeling out of place.I would look at the full moon and miss my rituals.I would miss watching the bats and dragonflies going loop-de-loop in the sky and the soothing sounds of the night.I began researching christian witchcraft and looking into Hoodoo.I starting looking into the Catholic religion and found Mary.Yes I know she is not a Goddess but I began to look to her as one.Here is the start on my story.I started out in life as a Christian.My Grandmother would scare the bejesus out of me with the hell fire and damnation concepts.I was terrified.I would pour my heart and soul out to God to only feel rejected.When I was 18 my mother and I began looking into Wicca.It was different and I didn't really want to turn my back on God because I had the whole sin idea branded into my head.My first book was the Magical Power of The Saints.I figured if I stayed with the Christian Saints then maybe I wouldn't be into to much trouble.I eventually started doing spells and calling on the Goddess.I then started seeing results.She would listen and respond.One day my Mother came me some info on Hecate.I called on this Goddess for protection and prayed to her.She really seemed to take an interest in me and I in her.I would pray to her everyday and do to her with all of my problems.When I had my children I carried pendant of Hecate into the room where I had my C-section.I believed in her.I would even begin to see black dogs when traveling and I knew it was her telling me to be careful and slow down.Eventually something happened and I began to look into other deities and search for something else.That is when I decided to give God a try.As I said earlied Church didn't work out.I began to miss something.I began to miss what truly made me happy.I missed the magick.I missed the Goddess.I started reading about Mary and  the visions of her and how she could not refuse those who asked her for something.I began doing rosaries.I did  Novena's.Some worked to the tee and some didn't work out as I had asked.I had a special request and deep in my heart I felt that she would come through.Well,I was wrong and hurt at the same time.I'm not going to lie.I was irate.How could this all loving person and God turn their back on me and my children.I sat down and began to think.Maybe they did it for a reason.Maybe they have something else in store for me.I am still looking into Christo-paganism and I am still searching for that deity that my soul needs or waiting for the deity that wants me as their child.No matter who I find I will always love and revere Hecate.She is my Mother and the one I dedicated myself to.I know she is by my side lighting the way to what is truly meant to be.Brightest Blessing to you all.